Away Too Long
by fc2001
Summary: Anna, 20 years older and a little wiser, returns to Chicago. With what outcome? I actually can't write summaries - please r/r.
1. Since You've Been Gone

"Away Too Long"  
  
  
I don't own any characters blah etc. This fic is set 20 years on from current situation. It's definitely going to be a series - just a matter of seeing how it develops I guess.  
Feedback, as always, to fiona_wark@hotmail.com.  
  
She sat alone in her office, considering as she had many times before dialling the number she thought she'd lost years ago. He wouldn't still be there. He wouldn't remember her even if he was. She swept her blonde hair behind her ear and swallowing hard she picked up the receiver. Her shaking fingers dialled, and before she knew it it was ringing.   
"ER, how can I help?"  
"Yeah...umm....is Carter there?"  
Anna stuttered over her words. What if he was? What did she actually want to say? Sorry for messing you around, I'm lonely and nostalgic now, help. She didn't know. The voice on the other end called out.  
"John, it's for you,"  
"Who is it?"  
She hadn't heard that voice in 20 years but it hadn't changed.  
"Didn't say,"  
"Give me a sec,"  
"Hold on,"  
The voice spoke to her again. The bustle was evident even on the phone. It had always been organised chaos. A sudden realisation hit.  
"Randi, is that you?"  
How stupid did she feel? What if it wasn't?  
"How do you know? Who is this?"  
"Randi, it's Anna,"  
"God, how long has it been? How the hell are you?"  
"Fine, you?"  
"Can't complain,"  
Randi was interrupted. There were raised whispers before Randi spoke again.  
"Superdoc will speak to you now,"  
Anna heard the receiver being passed over.  
"Hello,"  
"Carter, hi,"  
He sounded as stunned to hear from her as Randi was.  
"Anna?!?"  
"Yeah, it's me,"  
"It's been...how long? How are you?"  
"20 years, hon, and I'm O.K,"  
He sounded as nervously excited as she felt.  
"You?"  
"Yeah, I'm good,"  
He didn't sound sure. She picked up on it easily. It was as if they had never been apart.  
"You want something specific,"  
"Only to catch up,"  
Loneliness pervaded her tone. If she knew it she knew he would. She continued anxiously.  
"I'm coming to Chicago for a lecture soon, maybe we could meet up,"  
"We have to, don't you mean?"  
She smiled sadly in the darkness.  
"It's Tuesday next week, pretty much all day,"  
She was trying to worm her way out of a corner. Too much, too fast.  
"Come over for dinner,"  
"I wouldn't want to impose,"  
"Anna, I will not hear of you not....."  
She scrabbled for a pen and scribbled the address he gave her on a piece of paper.   
"I'm looking forward to it."  
She spoke the truth.  
"Bye,"  
He rung off, distracted by medical matters before she had a chance to say it too. She sat listening to the tone for a few seconds, dazed. A figure in the doorway broke her reverie.  
"Dr Del Amico, you're needed downstairs,"  
She rose and exited, her mind firmly focused on next Tuesday.  
*****  
Looking every inch the elegant professional, she stood on his doorstep in the cold Illinois night, too scared to knock. She had aged well, kept her figure. She looked good, there was nothing to worry about. Summoning all the courage she had, she lifted the heavy knocker and let if fall against the shiny black paintwork. Minutes later, she was greeted by an over enthusiastic Carter, who still looked as boyish as he ever had. She was ushered into the hallway. It was cosy, atmospheric. Still nervy, she proffered the bottle of wine she'd chosen to bring. She was suddenly aware she didn't belong here. It didn't feel right. She resisted the urge to turn and run, instead meeting her fear head on.  
"Good choice,"  
He said, taking it from her and examining the label. He walked through into the kitchen, gesturing her to follow him. Hanging her jacket on the rack in the hallway and straightening her cardigan, Anna walked with apparent confidence into the kitchen.  
"Interesting lecture?"  
He asked animatedly, placing a glass in front of her.  
"Not really, I think I fell asleep,"  
"That's not the right attitude now is it?"  
"Why would you want to sit for 3 hours listening to some fuddy-duddy in a tweed cardi ramble endlessly about the dynamics of a modern paediatric unit?"  
"You haven't changed have you?"  
No, it was true, she considered his point. Scarily enough she hadn't.   
"So how was your day? Better than mine?"  
She deflected attention away from herself. He contemplated his answer a second.  
"Oh, fantastic. When is emergency medicine ever anything else?"  
The sarcasm was biting and relatively unfamiliar.  
"I interviewed for Chief of Staff today. That's the next rung on my ladder,"  
"That's great,"  
"Sure. I mean, I don't think I got it,"  
Same old Carter, always the least confident in his abilities.  
"Oh, have faith,"  
"Well, apart from being bored today, how are you? I mean, really? What you up to these days?"  
"I'm eternally busy. I run the paediatrics department in Philadelphia's main hospital now. It has the usual perks - plush office, days off like this but I make up for it in paperwork. Sometimes, I don't think I'm a doctor anymore,"  
She laughed nervously, Carter looked like he understood what she was talking about though. It was stressful, running a department. She'd learned to appreciate why Weaver had always been so narky.  
"Been there, done that,"  
The timer on the oven interrupted their conversation but she still had about a million questions floating around in her head. As soon as he served a magnificent meal and sat back down, she took a gentle sip of her wine and began to relax.  
"So how is the old ER? Everyone still going strong?"  
"Not really. I'm the only one left, apart from Randi, that you'd remember. Carol left, after having beautiful girl twins, to live with Doug in Seattle. That's a long story in itself. They're happily married. Mark left for Phoenix, sick of city living following a health scare, 15 years ago now. He married Susan, as we all know he would, and they have a child, David, now 9. Kerry's in private practice in Aurora now, loving it, she's quietened down quite a bit. Lizzie returned to Britain when her father fell ill, Benton moved to Mount Sinai about a year ago to continue an interest in transplant surgery. Rees is with Carla in Toronto. Jeanie remarried and moved to Atlantic City but fell ill with AIDS very soon after. She had one adopted son, who let the hospital know she died last week,"  
"Oh,"  
"The staff now are wonderful too. Dave, Luka, Abby, Anne, they're great. Some of them arrived just after you left,"  
"All change then,"  
"And don't I feel left behind? How's Max doing?"  
She sensed it was reluctant question.   
"Max died, John, about 3 years back. Stomach cancer."  
"Sorry,"  
"I'm O.K with it now. It was hard at the time, what with the divorce as well...."  
"Divorce? You married him?"  
"I did, more fool me,"  
"I never thought you'd marry...Kids?"  
"As a doctor? Are you kidding?"  
"Career lady I assume,"  
"And self-confessed single gal. I'm loving it,"  
"I can see. It suits you. Before you ask, I'm not and I never have been. There hasn't been anyone I've loved enough, especially not after Lucy,"  
She sighed, relieved but slightly hurt it hadn't been her name. She questioned herself over the hurt, why was she still bothered?  
"Lucy?"  
She questioned, seeing the nostalgia in his eyes. She could still read him like a book.  
"She was a med student, maybe 18 years ago or so,"  
"She ran off into the sunset with your best friend, broke your heart?"  
Anna tried to lighten the moment but quickly saw than this was no laughing matter and felt a little stupid.  
"She was killed,"  
Anna's hand flew to her mouth. She wanted to cry for her old friend, before realising he'd probably cried enough for himself.  
"I had no idea,"  
"I fell apart at the seams. A patient knifed her and me, leaving us for dead. Only I pulled through and she didn't. It was hell."  
Anna wanted to say she could imagine or that she understood but she didn't, couldn't. She sat silent, stunned, watching and listening on.  
"I would have called but it didn't seem right. Weaver, Benton and Greene forced me into rehab and I sorted my life out. Somehow it's never been the same without her,"  
"Rehab?"  
"Ironically, being as it's you I'm talking to, it was a painkiller addiction. Now I understand all that Chase and Max went through and it isn't easy. You can't see the damage you're doing, can't see the harm in lying to those who are trying to help, those who care about you,"  
He went through all that alone and never called. She would have been more that glad to try and help. It hurt him even now. He was successful, financially secure for the first time in his life but she sensed he was unfulfilled. There was a hole in his life. She knew what that felt like. Since Max had died, leaving her pregnant and alone it had been so hard. She'd miscarried a month after he left. It was a girl. Her daughter. She had plunged headlong into succeeding at work, helping others, ignoring her instincts, ignoring the part of her that yearned for a partner, that longed to be loved. That was why she'd called. She was 47 years old, an emotional wreck and she had decided it was time to stop running and do something about her life.  
"You should have called,"  
"Anna, you had your own life, your own problems, I'm still here aren't I?"  
"Yeah, but..."  
"And you're here now, which I am so pleased about. I missed you,"  
Her heart screamed the same thing right back at him. They had been such good friends and so much more. She'd run from that, let their connection die.  
"Me too,"  
"Why did we leave it this long?"  
"Crazy isn't it? I was scared,"  
"Scared?"  
"Scared you wouldn't want to know any more. Scared that you'd found a replacement. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms did we?"  
"Forgive and forget, A, I did, I got over it and assumed you did too, plunging headlong into my next life tragedy,"  
He laughed but it was a cold, hollow, lonely laugh. She stopped dead, not knowing how to respond.   
  
  
  



	2. Going Back

Anna knew she couldn't face boarding the train back to Philadelphia immeadiatly, so after leaving Carter's she checked into a hotel. It was detached, the kind of place she knew she could be alone in. She curled up on the big double bed still feeling very alone and slept. She slept until the light cut in through the window the next morning, intruding into her darkness. She rose and showered briskly, enjoying the soothing feeling of water flowing over her body. Deciding to skip breakfast, she dressed and left the hotel. For a while she wandered the cold morning, watching the hassled crowds on their way to work. Why had she ever come? Such a big mistake. She should go back to Philadelphia and stay there, stay out of his life and stay safe. She shivered as the grey Chicago streets funnelled the biting wind and she hunched into her jacket. It was 9:00 am and the streets were quiet again. People had all started their day at work. Suddenly, she decided where she should go. Chicago County General, well, she might as well. She wondered just how much it had changed since she had left. Nothing else had stayed the same. Half an hour later following a very long tiring trek, she stood opposite the old place in the ambulance bay. For a moment, she nearly turned away. What was the point in longing for something that had disappeared years ago? She swallowed her fear and entered, pausing when the familiarity hit her. It was busy, buzzing, noisy but never as chaotic as it seemed. She wandered the halls slowly, like a missing soul. No one questioned her. They saw weirdos all the time and assumed she was yet another escapee from the mental ward. The place was the same but the feeling wasn't. Too much had happened for it possibly to.  
"Can I help you?"  
She looked up, shaken out of her reverie.  
"You look a little lost. You O.K?"  
The man spoke again, concern in his deep brown eyes. He had an Italian or Hispanic look about him, broad shouldered, tall, dark hair, darker eyes. She nearly smiled when she found herself considering that. She was Italian herself but she fitted no stereotype - she was a good old blonde haired blue eyed gal. She decided to stop making assumptions and just speak.  
"I'm fine,"  
She noticed the chart in his hand. He was wearing navy scrubs.   
"You're busy. Go on, I'm O.K,"  
He looked down.  
"No, I'm finished up. You never answered my first question? Can I help? Are you looking for someone?"  
"This is going to sound really silly,"  
From someone her age it definitely was. He smiled at her.  
"Try me,"  
"I worked here. I just came back to see the old place,"  
"Right, well, if you can still remember your way around..."  
"Just about, it was 20 years ago,"  
"Before my time. Dave, by the way,"  
"I read your name badge! Anna,"  
She shook his hand. It was good to meet at least one of the people Carter had been talking about.   
"Del Amico? Carter's friend?"  
"The very same."  
"How come you came back?"  
"Just visiting. I run Philadelphia Generals Pediatric department. Sent on one of these boring lectures,"  
"So you're not here to lend a hand?"  
"Unfortunately no,"  
"Damn!"  
"Is he around?"  
"Carter? No, day off,"  
Anna felt disappointment rise in her, showing on her face.   
"I'm due a break though. Could take you round, introduce you to the others,"  
She loved the idea, daunted as she was by having to explain to all these strangers who she was. And why she was here. That was harder. Was it for him? Was he why she was staying?  
"That'd be nice,"  
He seemed as nice as Carter had said he was. Cute too. She banished that thought as quickly as it entered her head. She followed him as he led her down the corridor. Admit was refreshingly familiar.  
"Anna!"  
Randi greeted her with open arms. She hadn't lost any of her verve for life. Aging hadn't entirely treated her kindly but she didn't look haggard by any manner of means.   
"Randi,"  
She shook herself free from the restrictive embrace, uncomfortable by the public show of affection. They hadn't even been that close. Ever. There were two men in the more familiar white coats, scribbling in the famously illegible doctors writing.   
"Luka, Anne, got a second?"  
They looked up. The man was clearly foreign, one of those smoulderingly dangerous types you just knew had been hurt, and who had just gotten better with age. The woman was younger, very like a young Anna, pretty, clearly just out of med-school. They looked unamused by the interruption. Anna shifted foot nervously.  
"Sorry guys, I just thought I should introduce you to our visitor,"  
He turned to her and smiled again, trying to make her feel less on show.  
"This is Anna, she was a..."  
Dave turned to her, aware he didn't know what she'd actually done at County.  
"Paediatric intern double boarding in emergency medicine,"  
She recited her job title as if it had been yesterday.  
"Right...here 20years ago,"  
"Anne McKinnon,"  
She shook the proferred hand. There was something held back in the handshake. Anna turned to face Luka. He introduced himself also, but Anna was too busy trying to interpret the expression in his eyes. Nothing was obvious - this guy was hiding. Possibly too much. The same way she did, the same way she always had, and the same way Carter did.  
  
She questioned herself over the hurt, why was she still bothered? She questioned, over and over again but never came up with anything of any substance. She hated not being able to explain things. She was a doctor. Therefore there was always an answer. So much had altered since she left. It was the same place yet it wasn't. Too much had happened for it to feel the same way it had. She felt out of place amongst these newcomers.  
"Coffee?"  
She wasn't even aware she'd been moving, but there she was, standing next to her old locker in the doctors lounge. McKinnon was the name on the door now. She bet herself that if she tried she could still remember her locker combination.   
"Yeah, thanks,"  
He handed her the cup. It felt kind of luke warm. That was fairly familiar too.   
"I think I could still remember my locker combination you know. How sad is that?"  
"Just means you've got a good memory that's all, besides, Anne wouldn't be best pleased,"  
"Dare say she wouldn't. What is she? Intern, 2nd year?"  
"2nd year, though you couldn't tell by looking at her could you?"  
"She looks younger,"  
"You don't look old enough to be running a department either,"  
It was supposed to be a compliment but somehow came out slightly wrong.  
"I feel old enough,"  
"Sorry,"  
"Serves me right I guess."  
She fiddled with the cup nervously, feeling his gaze on her. She knew he probably had hundreds of questions - she sensed he was that kind of person.   
"Well, ask away,"  
She smiled, genuinely ready to face this.  
"Huh?"  
"Come on, don't tell me you aren't wondering why I'm here? Why I left in the first place? What really went on?...I know I would be,"  
"It's not my business,"  
"Since when has that stopped you...."  
Anna was aware of a third presence. The brunette was attractive, but looked like her years had taken their toll.  
"Sorry, couldn't help myself,"  
"Abby, you want something?"  
Dave sounded impatient.  
"Not really, just wanted a coffee that's all,"  
Dave addressed Anna, without removing his eyes from Abby.  
"Do excuse her, she isn't usually this obtuse,"  
"I just know you, Dave, that's all. I know what you're like. I didn't want this to turn into the Spanish Inquisition,"  
"You know nothing about this,"  
"Hi, Abby, just thought the third party might get a word in edgeways between you two,"  
She waved her hand to attract their attention.  
"We haven't been introduced, I'm Anna Del Amico, I worked here......"  
"20 years ago, I overheard you at the desk. Abby, Abby Lockhart. I've been here far too long for some people,"  
She smiled sarkily.  
"You know I love you really, Abby,"  
"Yeah, whatever. Promise me you're not hassling our visitor and I'll leave,"  
"She was actively encouraging my curiousity, weren't you?"  
Stunned at being addressed in the conversation again, Anna started.  
"What? Yeah, no problem. I mean, what else am I doing with my time?"  
Abby looked doubtful but stopped playing with the coffee mug and left, as quietly as she'd slipped in.  
"She's not usually like that,"  
"There's no need to apologise for her,"  
"She just knows me far too well, that's all,"  
"I know what that's like!"  
Anna sat down on the old leather sofa. It was still there. Couldn't they have pensioned it off? It was never the comfortable. Or maybe it was the conversations she'd had on it that made it seem uncomfortable in her mind.   
"So, what's it like being back then?"  
"Honestly, it's a little weird. I've not really been in touch that much since I left,"  
"You never called?"  
"I wouldn't say never called. I rarely called. It faded off after a year or so. I got my life back. It wouldn't have done anyone any good for me to keep interfering,"  
"You mean Carter don't you?"  
"Well, yeah. He didn't need me messing him around,"  
"I think you messing him around would have been infinitely preferable to what he went through after you left. You know about Lucy huh?"  
Anna's face fell. She'd been trying not to think about that - it hurt her inside to imagine him suffering the way he had.   
"That was a bit of a shock to the system. I never knew the girl or anything but that's no way to die. If I'd known..."  
"No, it was no way for her to die. You probably would've hated Lucy. Everybody did at times. She was bright, rule-abiding, over-eager, the kind of med student that's right even when they're wrong,"  
"Sounds like heaven,"  
"Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely girl at heart, just a bit naive, a bit too sweet for her own good. Pretty too,"  
"I did wonder, when he mentioned her, what she was like."  
"It broke his heart when she died. He pulled through and she didn't and he never quite reconciled himself with that,"  
"I think I can understand that,"  
"Yeah, I guess I can too,"  
"So...I should try to lighten the conversation a little. What else went on after I left?"  
"Erm...pass on the first year...I wasn't here...."  
"Carol....You knew her right?"  
"I did indeed. O.K, I can answer this one. She had twin girls - Tess and Kate - Thanksgiving it was. She left for Seattle, married Doug Ross. Broke Kovac's heart,"  
"I knew there was something about him,"  
"Luka?"  
"He seemed, I don't know, scarred,"  
"Aren't we all? He just shows it, I think. He's Croatian. Lost his whole family in the civil war,"  
"Ouch,"  
"It's a touchy subject,"  
"I can imagine,"  
"O.K. My turn to ask you something. Why did you leave? I mean, he's told me the stories...why did you go?"  
Anna paused for a second, formulating a suitable answer. She wasn't sure to this day why she'd left, why she'd made the decision she had.  
"I chose wrong over right and not for the first time in my life either,"  
"Huh?"  
"Well, my familys from Philly originally, so it was going home. But they weren't the reason. The guy that ran the pediatrics department at the time was an ex-boyfriend of mine who wanted me back. So I went. He offered me a better job than I had here and despite the fact I couldn't fully trust him after what he did I went. I couldn't face the emotions running high here so I ran back to something that had been of comfort in the past,"  
"You knew how he felt?"  
"Carter? God, yes,"  
"And you went back to your ex anyway?"  
"It was easier. I will say it was the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I've wasted 20 years haven't I?"  
"I couldn't possibly say,"  
"Probably nothing would have happened differently. You know, I might not have changed the things that happened here,"  
"Probably not. The thing is - you can't ever know that for sure?"  
Anna sighed.  
"No, I can't. I don't know where I'd be or who I'd be if I'd stayed and faced up to myself. I've always been a coward,"  
"You're not the only one,"  
"No?"  
"Everyone is...in their own way,"  
"Quit with the dodge tactics. You were talking about yourself weren't you?"  
"I don't know you...."  
"I just told you my life story!"  
"I'm exactly the same. It's wrong over right all the time, cause I'm scared of the right,"  
"Abby?"  
Anna was more perceptive than people gave her credit for.  
"Yeah. Abby,"  
There was a sadness, a regret to the way he said her name.   
"A story better never told?"  
"Yeah, definitely,"  
She felt him drift away after that.  
"I'd better get going, I've got to get back,"  
"You're going back to Philadelphia?"  
"For now."  
"You're coming back though? For him?"  
"I don't know yet,"  
"Don't run away again, Anna,"  
She walked away, away from him and away from the hospital. This place was more painful than she'd imagined it could ever be. She felt like she was being a bit silly but then again, she'd always made things into crises even when they weren't. She wandered, feeling a little lost and very lonely, back to the hotel room and with a heavy heart that she didn't have the courage to say anything, packed her bag. There was an evening train from Union Station that would take her home and let her forget she ever came.   
  
She laid her head in her arms on the table in front of her. She wanted to sleep but was too distracted. Physically, she was exhausted - strange in itself as she'd slept well last night, but her mind wouldn't let her rest. She drifted into a fitful sleep for the train journey - she was aware of time passing but unaware of what was around her. She was only awoken when the train reached the end of the line. It's destination. Home. Philly. It didn't fel so much like home anymore. Her parents were long since dead and with Max gone - well, it just wasn't the city she grew up in anymore that was all. It didn't feel the same. As she'd discovered in Chicago nowhere felt the same anymore. The apartment she'd shared with the husband she'd thought she'd loved. She'd thought give it time, I'll fall in love with him again but she never had. He loved her and she'd bathed in that love whilst never really returning it. When he died, her grief wasn't for him, it was for herself. Her safety net was gone as such. It didn't feel right to be there. It was her own apartment now but it still reeked of him, even three years after his untimely demise. Maybe it was because not only had he died here, slipping away quietly in the night as he'd wanted while she was at work, but also because she'd miscarried here - in her own bathroom she'd lost her child, her daughter. Everytime she bathed she remembered the pain of that day. She hadn't been the mothering type but she resented the fact that her chance had been taken away before she'd really had time to accept it and begin to love the life inside her. It was ironic, perhaps, that she loved it more now she couldn't have it. She loved it now it was long since dead. Sounded familiar. She curled up on the sofa, without switching on the light and making reality all too stark to bear, and she cried. She cried almost like never before over what her life had become, over the mess she'd made. 


	3. Is This Home Anymore?

Is This Home Anymore?  
  
For the first time in a long time the next morning, her mind wasn't on the job in hand. It wasn't even particularily on her surroundings. She heard the footsteps at her shoulder but ignored them until whoever it was actually forced her to concentrate.   
"So, how was the conference?"  
Her younger colleague sounded too eager at this time in the morning. Ben was a caffeine addict, that she well knew. She was well used to this.  
"It was a conference. It was dull. It taught me nothing that as a doctor I shouldn't already know,"  
"You are quite the cynic aren't you?"  
"Yep,"  
She answered flatly. She could sense him smiling at her.  
"Is there something else, Ben?"  
She tried to dismiss him. She had a lot on her mind asides of work.   
"Well, you moved here from Chicago didn't you? I was just wondering if there was any ulterior motive behind your willingness to attend,"  
"Don't you think that's my business?"  
"Anna, don't shut me out. We're all your friends here too, you know,"  
He was insistent and he was trying to be a good friend to her. One of the few who had in Philadelphia.   
"Ben, if there was anything but an unswerving devotion to pediatric medicine behind my attending, you'd be the first to know,"  
She didn't want to tell him, didn't need to go into it all again. It had to be forgotten, had to remain in the past. She pushed open her office door. If they needed her, they'd page her. She still had a whole lot of things to think about. Ben walked off down the corridor, away to his patients, away to his job, thinking no more of their conversation. Anna did. She hadn't thought about much else since she'd gone back. If that conference hadn't been in Chicago would she really have been in as much of a hurry to go? It it hadn't involved seeing him again would she have gone at all? She must have sat there, staring at the same chart for hours before someone interrupted her reverie. A knock at the door, followed by Ben's cheery hello.  
"Anna, hi,"  
"Yeah? Do you need me?"  
She looked up suddenly, on the defensive.  
"No, not really..There's someone on phone that's all. Was wondering if you wanted me to put it through or to say you're busy?"  
"Put them through, Ben, I'm alright,"  
He scuttled back to the desk and patched the caller through. He hadn't said who it was. Anna picked up the reciever, well prepared to end up talking business with some hospital official or other.  
"I heard I missed you yesterday,"  
Damn! She was startled to hear his voice so soon. Too soon.   
"Yeah, but I got to know Dave pretty well,"  
"He said. He liked you, you know,"  
"Yeah, but doesn't everyone?"  
She heard the biting self-depreciation in her voice but it was too late to take it back.   
"I was calling to thank you for coming over the other night, it was nice to see you,"  
Anna was touched somewhere deep inside. Had he always been this sweet? How could she have let that go?  
"It was nice,"  
She agreed, realising she didn't think she had ever really thanked him for having her. She'd been too confused by the whole situation to remember her manners.   
"Anna, you won't lose touch again will you?"  
There was something slightly pleading, a little lost in his tone.  
"No, course I won't. We can phone each other whenever...I'll be in Chicago again and you can always come here and see me you know,"  
"Now there's an offer I can't refuse,"  
He laughed. She wanted to be there with him in that instant and not so many miles away. She would have him here anytime he wanted. He could bring that something that had been missing from her apartment for so long. He would make it feel like home again, she knew almost instinctively.  
"Too damned right you can't..."  
She trailed off, her initial brashness replaced by an uncertainty clawing inside her.   
"Are you alright, Anna? You sound really strange,"  
She was up and down more often than a rollercoaster, that's what he meant. She was painfully aware of it too.   
"I'm fine, honestly, just been doing a lot of thinking that's all,"  
"That doesn't sound too healthy, A,"  
"It isn't...It's what we women do though."  
How could she ever tell him just everything she'd been thinking about? All the stuff on the train and the tears she'd cried last night when she'd realised what her life had been about.   
"Yeah, don't I know it!?!"  
"Well, phone me anytime. I gave you my home number right?"  
"Yep,"  
"It's just I've got to go. Meetings and things to take care of this afternoon,"  
She tried to sound like she wasn't lying too much. She couldn't stay talking to him. It was impossible. She'd only start crying again and that wasn't normal. She was such a strong person. Such a professional person. She put the phone down and watched it, silent, for as long as she could bear. He was there, yet he wasn't. It was the strangest feeling. Her life in Chicago had been better than her life here could ever be. Why she realised that now - far too late - she really didn't know. Since she lost Max, she had no real connection to the hospital or to the people in it. They were his friends not hers and they'd drifted away once he died. It was like they just disappeared. They didn't know what to say to her now he wasn't around. She'd felt very alone in the months surrounding Max's death. She didn't know if it would have been easier or more difficult if she'd been pregnant. For a fleeting moment, the most insane idea came into her head. She considered moving back as an option, as a way out of this confusion. Would it help though? Would moving back solve anything or just heighten the sense of loss she already felt? There was nothing to hold her here - her job she would be able to find in pretty much any state in the country. She was a well-respected pediatrician. Her husband was gone. And her only real, true friend and the man she'd loved, was in Chicago. Had he really missed her? Did he mean what he'd said? It was 20 years ago and so much had changed since then.   
"A,"  
For a moment, she thought she'd look up and see Carter standing there. Very few people in the world called her A. She didn't like it, but she put up with it. Instead, she saw Ben. He was such a nice person, but he reminded her a little of a puppy. She didn't need him hanging off her every word and especially not now.  
"Hi,"  
She said absentmindedly, staring off into space somewhere beyond him. He stepped into the dark confines of her office and closed the door behind him.  
"You look like you saw a ghost?"  
He questioned, taking a seat opposite her.  
"No...well, sort of,"  
He raised his eyebrows, unused to her uncertainty.  
"Who was on the phone?"  
He changed the subject abruptly.  
"Just an old friend,"  
He caught her intense stare and held it, and she knew he could see she was lying.  
"Yeah, right."  
"It was. From Chicago,"  
"I knew it!"  
"Ben, it isn't what you're thinking,"  
"How do you know what I'm thinking?"  
"I know how your mind works. Look, I've got a lot on my mind so I'd kinda like to be alone with my paperwork if you don't mind,"  
Anna hadn't meant to sound as sharp as she did. He looked vaguely hurt but he got up and left silently. He was only trying but she didn't want him to. She couldn't form emotional attachments. Not if she was leaving. 


	4. Decisions, Decisions

That afternoon, somewhere around 3pm, when she'd finally given up on the tortuous paperwork that was the bain of her life, she made a decision. A momentous decision at that. She was moving back there. It may only have been a short period in her life and it may have been a long time ago, but it was clear to her that there were more possibilities there for her now than there were here anymore. With a new vigour, she began to type her letter of resignation. It wouldn't be easy, but it was the right thing to do. She wasn't sure if she was hoping for a fairytale ending. At the moment, all she was searching for  
was a little bit of happiness to hold on to.   
"Dear...."  
She paused. She called him Graeme - but this was a formal letter. Sir? She typed it and paused again. It didn't look right somehow. It would do for now.  
"Sir,  
This letter is official notice of my intention to leave the employ of Philadelphia General Hospital. I intend to leave the city in one months...."  
Again she paused to think. One month? Was that hurrying things a little? Better to get it over with surely.  
"..time. I have enjoyed my time here and it has been valuable to my medical career. However, it is time to move on. I hope you will accept my resignation without question.  
Yours Faithfully..."  
She typed her name. Her eyes flicked over the screen momentarily before she pressed the save button. It looked O.K. It was only a draft. A sharp tap on the glass panel of her office door woke her up suddenly. She glanced at her watch. Staff meeting - she'd conveniently forgotten. Hastily, she closed down the computer and made her way to the  
conference room.  
****  
"If there isn't anything else....?"  
She heard Cheif of Staff, Dr Graeme Foster, say about a half hour later. She awoke from her daydream and momentarily considered announcing her resignation. Everyone looked very bored and fed up and she instantly decided to leave it. To keep it as low key as possible. The staff filtered back to their respective departments, and eventually left just Anna and her immeadiate superior alone in the conference room. She hung back cautiously, feeling very childish.  
"Anna?"  
Graeme questioned, his concerned gaze falling on her.  
"Is there something you want to talk to me about?"  
Anna nodded slowly. She wasn't rushing into this was she? Would she regret this when she went home and thought about it? Taking a deep breath, she forced back every niggling doubt still residing in her brain and began to speak forcefully.  
"I'm leaving, Graeme,"  
The older man looked hurt, as if it was a personal insult she'd just unleashed.  
"It's nothing to do with this hospital or anyone in it...."  
She trailed off. Her personal life was not something she needed to discuss with Graeme and she didn't need to explain her decision either.  
"It's just I've come to a time in my life when I need change and if I don't go now it'll be too late,"  
She was afraid it already was too late, but she'd never know until she had at least tried.   
"You don't have to explain it to me, Anna, it's your decision."  
"I'll have the letter on your desk by the end of my shift,"  
He nodded, a defeated man.  
"I'll be sorry to see you go, Anna,"  
"And I'll be sorry to go. But I have to,"  
She wouldn't be especially sorry to go. The friends she had here were mostly Max's. Everything she had here, even three years after his demise, was still defined by Max. Even her job was a result of his recommendation. She walked back to her office, proud of herself for making, and acting on, such a big decision, and filled with a nervous  
trepidation that was like starting college all over again. The letter lay on her desk, a distraction as she tried to finish up work to go home. The white, addressed envelope was blinding, a beacon of new hope. 


End file.
